The Seven Sins of Motherhood According to Barbie

Friday - "I couldn't get the time off!" (Resentment)

6/3/2015

Lisa

6/3/2015 12:29:29 am

Ah.. This had happened to me a few times! I have to say, though, that sometimes I enjoy this- whilst I am missing out on occasional short breaks with Nick and Tom I do welcome the opportunity to have me time, even if this is work focused. I also think it's better that they do do things together without me there feeling worried about a deadline for example.
This had to balance though with having time together as a family-nick and Tom heading off on their own happens relatively infrequently and we try to all see the benefits of it when it does happen

Viv

6/3/2015 12:38:01 am

Ahhh, a recent one for me too. It depends on the frame of mind I am in. If positive and balanced then I absolutely accept there are times when I have to do / be somewhere else and the balance is the time that I can spend with them at other times that not every full time working parent can. However if I am running round like a headless chicken with too many things to do and not enough time to do them then the guilt/resentment takes over and it becomes another aspect that I can not manage / feel that I am letting them down on. Deep breaths, calm thoughts.

Tracy

6/3/2015 01:00:22 am

I often work all day on a Saturday but on the plus side this means I get out of taking the kids to their swimming lessons (I suppose I should enjoy this but I hate how warm it is and then having to sit there, too hot, for an hour). Mostly, if I need time for family stuff in the week (school assemblies, concerts etc) then I have the flexibility to do this so this arrangement works well for me and mine. So on the whole there's not much resentment.

Maggie

6/3/2015 01:30:42 am

I don't feel resentment but on occasion deep sadness and disappointment. Like Lisa I think it is important for Tara to enjoy daddy time and I do like seeing them go off together and have fun and then hear their stories when they return. I sometimes wish I could go too and feel sad that I cant but then appreciate I enjoy my job and study and so this is something we are all grateful for. As the main bread-winner, if I didn't work, we wouldn't be able to survive so its a necessary evil.

I am sad however when a half term is around the corner and I can't spend any time with Tara or Alan or my parents or my sisters (who are poorly) because of deadlines and work commitments that I cannot shift. In fact it looks likely I will have to cancel leave this May due to a deadline that cant be moved. If I take it then I know some of my work will not be completed in time and it has a bigger implication to others if i don't meet it. This dilema and situation is making me SO sad and tired but not resentful. I think resentful is quite a strong word.

Wendy Dixon

6/3/2015 01:59:31 am

This is an ongoing issue and has been for many years, although my children are now in their 30s I still spend time with my daughter as she sees very little of her farmer husband. Last weekend I had work to catch up on (and like Maggie says if it isn't done it impacts on others) and my daughter took her two children to Liverpool to the gallery and museums - my husband offered to take them - I was so jealous to the point of I didn't want them to tell me anything about it!!
With a grandchild with a life-limiting condition resentment is sometimes very strong...but I love my job, and I know it is my responsibility to find the balance and get it right...as time is moving on!

Sue

6/3/2015 04:10:40 am

Trust me to read this differently to everyone else! I chose to work in a school after I had my children so that I could be there for them outside of school. What I have found now, though, is that I'm either working or I am running the girls around to their activities. If there's any spare time, I get coerced into friends coming over for sleepovers! My resentment comes in the form that my ex never has the girls overnight and chooses to have them on a Sunday for a few hours. If I want to go out for an evening, I have to pay a babysitter or feel embarrassed at asking an aunt to babysit for free. I resent the fact that he can do as he pleases, whenever he wants and I cant! If I ask him to have the girls overnight - he says he is too busy, or if I ask in advance, he says he doesn't know what he's doing yet! I don't mind not going out and I love spending time with my girls but sometimes I just need some time out!

Lynne

6/3/2015 06:44:27 am

I think it depends on what work you do. I don't like the thought that my family might have had go away without me. We all went or it didn't happen. I wonder of there is a possibility for parents to be able to opt to put some time into a "pot" which they could draw on. A pro rata adjustment could be made but you would have to be "worth it" as it could inconvenience others. Seen this from both sides. Small companies haven't the flexibility always to be as helpful as they would like as their priority is to keep the company going and the jobs safe.

6/3/2015 07:24:39 am

I hate missing out on family time so would probably sod the work I'm in!

Adele

6/3/2015 09:41:53 am

With my first I went to all his concerts, sports days etc but as time went by and by the time I had my second child it just wasn't as feasible and for a while we attended nothing which really upset our second son. In reality it is not my employer 's fault, as whenever I asked, it was never a problem but more to do with any potential comments made by colleagues and the fact that the work would still have to be done at some point. I think the most resentment I had was that I couldn't afford to take longer maternity leave than 3 months, but now I don't feel so bad because my career is very important to me and I have managed to combine a great job with a good family life.

Anne

6/3/2015 10:34:38 am

I don't feel resentment as I figure this is part of being a grown up, but I do feel sad for my daughter as she is the one missing out really. I try to make up in other ways to compensate. If it were really important that I had to be somewhere I would try to negotiate and prioritise, although I know it's not always possible. I don't think I should feel more guilty / resentful than a man, it's expected that we should.

Zia

6/3/2015 11:13:33 am

This is something I have never had an issue with, I am lucky that the work life balance I can achieve (most of the time!) means I don't have to do this and miss out on precious family weekend times and excursions. I am currently doing voluntary overtime on Saturdays and it is an extra half a day taken away but the extra money will contribute to out family holiday to Cornwall in August and we will benefit. Today's scenario for me personally is a reflection of how lucky I am that I don't miss out - unless through choice of course!

Clemmie

6/3/2015 02:06:32 pm

Although working in a school has the advantage of lots of holidays, I feel trapped and often resent not being able to have time off when I would like - or even when I need it. There has been two occasions when I have missed friends weddings and last year my Aunty's funeral (she wasn't classed as family!). I would happily give up a couple of weeks holiday to have a few "floating" days which could be taken when I really want them. Excellent website Sarah, very thought provoking.

jane k link

6/3/2015 04:55:17 pm

I tend to fall into the weekends amidst heaps of washing, kids parties and homework projects. I'd love a four day week just to change the mindset, clear the mayhem and have time to actually plan/book time away..so 5 day week is more than enough for me - so not resentment...basic human rights to work, leisure and development our sisters fought for..& timeout with kids is about their rights too.. I think it's time the govt worked out the care-gap of 28 days working leave and 12 weeks school holidays - how does that fit family friendly and 'well-being' agendas?
I think with a glass ceiling we can actually see the inequalities but Sarah you've done brilliantly to expose the 'plastic' fakeness of our 'equal' 'choices' and it is much harder to break the myths..so well done you & all the fab comments for starting the meltdown (of the plastic- not us x)

Jane

7/3/2015 12:01:33 am

I am lucky enough to have the choice of a job which is flexible but the massive gap between the amount of holiday time the girls get compared to us means that we have to do single parent child minding quite a lot and I miss my husband!

Sue link

7/3/2015 04:52:12 am

One of the joys of being a single parent was that family time was something I arranged! Being a teacher while my son was growing up was ideal as I had the holidays to spend with him and enjoyed every minute of them; it made up for the long days and heavy workload in term time, and the feeling of missing out on other parts of his life such as sports days etc. Looking back now, I can see that life as a single mum suited the pair of us for a long time. It was me and my son, living a life that suited us (once I'd got over the reaction to being left on my own with him, which did take some years).

Fenella

7/3/2015 08:05:27 am

I guess I've been lucky - in a way! - that my jobs have allowed me time off when I've needed - or wanted - it. I accept that some people's jobs have more restrictions in that way (and probably a higher salary to warrant such commitment?) but I've never been prepared to put work first if there's something important to do for my children. That's not to say that I *always* make myself available, there are choices to make about when to take time off work and when not to...

Fenella

7/3/2015 08:08:15 am

A post-script: The resentment comes in when I feel that I'm expected to give *all* my 'free' time (part-time hours and holidays) to child-care and domestics, by default.

Lorna

7/3/2015 09:46:33 am

I do not feel resentment, more of a deep sense of sadness for my children. Especially when I have had to arrange spur of the moment child care as opposed to spending quality time together as a family. I also have pangs of guilt when I cannot get time off work.

Lorna

7/3/2015 09:46:51 am

Elaine link

7/3/2015 10:06:08 am

To me the importance of spending holiday time with the family is in building memories.It could be anything from hiding under the slide in Yorkshire eating ice cream in the rain to swimming with the dolphins in Florida. That shared memory can be revisited and cherished again and again. I am lucky that most of the time I am able to share lots of experiences with my children and grandson but there are times when I have to hand over that shared experience to others. How I feel about it depends on who they are sharing the experience with. I am happy when they share time with other family members or school friends or clubs. It is great to listen to them when they come home as they always have lots of stories to tell. The only time that I have felt resentment was when my x-husband took my four eldest children on holiday to Portugal a number of years ago. I didn't want them to go as I didn't trust him but I could only afford to take the children camping in Wales so I didn't think it was fair to them to say 'no'. I was emotional and exhausted the whole time they were away (2 whole weeks) and when Jacquie rang me crying because she wasn't happy and wanted to come home I was grief stricken because I couldn't afford to go and fetch her and I didn't have a passport so was in effect grounded. that feeling of helplessness is not something I ever want to repeat. Fortunately I have never had to face that again. I am really lucky as I work with a fabulous team who support me as much as they can when I need to have time with my family.

Claire

7/3/2015 12:09:27 pm

I don't work Saturdays as I work in a school but if I need to do some study and the hubby or mum and dad take the children out I do feel sad that I'm missing out and missing them. Luckily it doesn't happen too often.

Kate

8/3/2015 12:23:45 am

I do resent working weekends- especially as I'm working 15hour days in the week. But I'm learning to live with it. My guilt is evened out though, as my children go to football and dance which gives me that time to work. Therefore, I'm not missing out on them. It's just the chores I miss out on. I always have family time (extended famy too) on a Sunday, thats a god send. My 8 year daughter has a lovely understanding of my work and often reassured me that the holidays are near. However, I don't feel too bad when I can't get my children to parties etc due to my work- sometimes children need disappointment (unfortunately life isn't always plain sailing) the key is turning it into a positive (somehow) that's where my creativity comes into play. X

Helen

8/3/2015 12:48:25 am

my work is fairly flexible and I work my part time hours as flexibly as I can. This is my main guilt trip - when we are invited into the school and I have a meeting. My son's dad does not live close do he does not come in. I realise m

RachG

8/3/2015 01:33:14 am

This is something I'm starting to get better at. Two things happened to me at the end of last year which made me change my ways. I lost someone incredibly close to me who I wished I'd seen more but it seemed everytime it came to the weekends I seemed to be working for the majority of time. Another thing that happened is I once begged my husband to have Joshua (remember we do live together!!!) all weekend because I was so stressed about some marking that needed doing. He took him to football and his family on the Saturday and then Blackpool on the Sunday. I was fine on the sat and then on sun I cried and cried when they were out with the realisation of what I'd done and what I was missing out on. I soon realised that actually it doesn't matter how hard you work sometimes it's not always recognised and not always necessary. Yes they'll be times when I need to work evenings on weekends but I'm not pushing myself any longer! I made a New Years resolution that I'm not missing out on being a wife and mum on weekends and evenings! This is my favourite job, work (although I love it!) comes second in my life now! Since new year I have felt so much better and 'rebalanced'.

Liana

8/3/2015 03:54:35 am

Don't have this problem. .. Consider myself very lucky due to two reasons: the ability to work at a maximum speed that enables me to complete all major tasks within planned time most of the time, and being surrounded by a fantastic team of people!

vicky duckworth

8/3/2015 05:45:39 am

Resentment - now there's a strong work
Yes, sometimes i resented work cutting into my home lime and why shouldn't i I say after already putting a full day in. This was manifested through a sense aof loss that the girls were growing up and the time i wanted to invest in them was less. However, I was also deeply committed to remaining empowered and having integrity in a work place that could have so easily eroded this and filled me full of resentment. So to combat the resentment and be tru to who i was I completed my PhD - giving up holidays, weekends , evening - but it was liberating - people, workplaces can take your laver but what's in your head - they can only touch if you allow them. I wanted to context the audit and performative culture with a more intellectual and critcal appraoch to education. Again, I have made sure that i surround myself with people who i can talk to - who are kind and caring. My trips to Lancaster Uni to see my supervisor were inspiring - this was a women i admired who had integrity and in the face of all the obstacles - she was someone who offerd me streght. I am lucky to have met lovely people who are not resentful but have joy and even when the going gets tough we stick together - that means a lot. Also my hubby is a gentle man without resentfulness - so i draw on his goodness too.

Marianne link

8/3/2015 06:02:57 am

Resentment! I think I spent my son's whole childhood feeling resentful! Now I resent that because I know I did my best. I resented having to do jobs I hated. I resented my husband for leaving me as a single parent. I resented not being able to spend more time with my son. I resented not being able to pursue the career I felt I wanted. I now resent all the pressure that is put onto women to feel as though they 'ought' to be as successful as men in those careers. I resent all this resentment. Actually, now I have chilled out a lot and know I did what I could do at the time. My son is such a great person and very successful in all aspects of his life, so I don't resent any of the choices I made.

Val

8/3/2015 06:59:04 am

Working weekends and returning from holidays to the 'list', year after year, yes I felt angry but also recognised it as a choice and a trade off...if I wanted a satisfying job and I wanted to feel successful at it, in the end that was the price I had to pay. One thing that got me through the last 2 years was our Facebook communications - although separated physically from my colleagues to really helped to know that someone else was just breaking off for 5 minutes in the garden etc. Now I'm retired I'm so glad I worked as hard as I did ..I have no regrets (now) ..the satisfaction I feel is like savings in the bank of life ...and now it's time to spend, spend, spend. Sorry my entries are not about your main theme of working mums but I'm trying to convey i) the issues are often similar although the context changes and ii) how a longer term view offers a different perspective on things that seemed almost unbearable ( perhaps a little like childbirth ha ha !)

Friday - "I couldn't get the time off!" (Resentment)

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