Intensive Mothering?

26/1/2018

Barbie has been writing a lot recently about the dominant mothering ideology - Intensive Mothering.
This tells us that “good” mothering involves three things:
1. Essentialism (no-one can do the job of mothering children as well as their mother)
2. Sacrifice on the part of the mother (always putting the child first)
3. Vocation (women are natural mothers and should be fulfilled by mothering)
But how does this compare to your style of mothering?

Sue Ritchie link

26/1/2018 05:31:59 pm

My own style of mothering could not be further from the Intensive Mothering style.
I know from experience that in some of the more challenging times I experienced as a mother, I didn't have all the resources I needed to be the best one . There were other people around me who were able to offer valuable contributions to my son's life, including friends and family. I have a deep bond with my son that I consider to be very special but I also know my sister was a loving presence in his life too. And still is!
Children are of course the primary focus of our lives and we want the best for them but I don't agree that they always come first. My mantra was 'a happy mummy is a happy son'. It's far more important to become a role model and show your children what's possible, rather than putting life on a back burner and not having any. I gave my son a balance; I lead the life I wanted to and took my son with me, expanding his boundaries and outlook as we explored the world together. He's never looked back.
Should I be fulfilled by mothering? No. I adore him, but I've always had other stuff in my life too. I strongly believe that children who grow up thinking they are the centre of the universe, watching others sacrifice everything for them and having every need met without question, aren't equipped for life as an adult.
My son is the product of my parenting, which wasn't perfect and largely made up as I went along. But it's helped shape my son into a sensitive, confident, courageous, thoughtful and empathic human being, who is a joy to be around. People love him.
And that makes me so very proud.

Sue

26/1/2018 06:36:40 pm

Motherhood was not as I expected. Is it for anyone? It was all-consuming when my brood were little (I had three girls under two thanks to having twins). I won't deny, it was hard work, but I loved it at first (apart from lack of sleep!). But it didn't fulfill me like I thought it would. I felt a bit trapped if I'm honest. I started working part-time as soon as the youngest pair started reception, and that seemed like a very happy medium. In some respects, I have put them first. They didn't like it when I started working full-time and couldn't pick them up from school, and with work becoming more demanding, they have had to take on more responsibilities, albeit reluctantly. However, it has taught them a good lesson in taking responsibility for themselves and being organised. As I have been studying as well as working full time, I have noticed that they have just got on with doing homework and making sure that they have got everything they needed. If they want to do something outside of school, they have to organise it themselves. If they want a lift, they have to check with me first. It has made them more aware. It has also given them confidence. However, they know that I will drop what I'm doing for myself if they need me - what I won't do is drop something I've planned if they haven't managed to organise something long enough in advance.
I haven't really had any family around to help me, so I feel I have to be the one they can rely on. Definitely a mixture is what has worked for me - but I think, depending on who is around to help will determine the mothering style you adopt. Oh yes - and if you don't have the choice of whether to work or not!

Helen

26/1/2018 06:41:45 pm

Well my mothering is barely good enough. I have not had the money to do my own thing. I was the sole breadwinner when he was a baby to three. Then Dad left when he was six. I rush to school, to work, to home to cook and to sleep. If intensive means constant I am that! We travel together, camp together, argue together ... and so on. Do I think no-one else can mother my son? The bottom line is I have no mother or father, a sister who is two hours away, and his dad has s just as far away. I know very few people here. I have a couple of fantastic friends nearby, but they are in the same place as me so no I din’t Believe anyone else gives him the constancy children need. Am I a martyr? No I am a mother!

Adele

26/1/2018 10:14:23 pm

Being honest I hated being pregnant but when I was a mother I did feel an overwhelming sense of fulfilling what I was here for. That said I had to go back to work when they were 4 month's old as we needed the money and responsibility for their care was very much shared with their Dad. Then for quite a few years when their Dad was in the throes of his PhD I felt like I was a single Mum and it was exhausting. I couldn't have managed if it hadn't been for my Mum and Dad. I think family, friends, teachers, mentors have all played a very important part in my children being who they are today. I played 1 small but important part by bringing them into the world and nurturing them best I can.

Intensive Mothering?

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