The Fear....

10/1/2018

It's New Year and to say that Barbie is feeling a little overwhelmed is an understatement! The days are short, there is too much to do both at work and at home and she is recovering from the flu! When she switches the news on she is overcome by stories of child abduction, political crises, terrorist threats and the general fear of Armageddon….and then it hits her! Perhaps we are all being forced to mother from a place of fear?!?
Maybe she’s taken too many Sudofed… Maybe she should ask her friends what they think….

11 Comments

Helen

10/1/2018 11:49:04 am

We are constantly parenting from a position of fear, and of course she should ask her friends. Of course fear is primeval and the response has adapted it to this global society where we are exposed to so many stories, over which we have little control (which is of course why we feel fear). I listened to Simone de Beauvoir last night again and remember that we also do not have the power (or have not taken it) in our society and so maybe our fear will be greater. We perhaps should not be fearful of feeling the fear xx

Marina

10/1/2018 12:24:45 pm

This resonates with me and believe no matter the age of your child/children the fear/questions always remain "There is NO manual" and there has and always will be juxtapose views an perspectives.
For me we sometimes need to quieten the "chimp brain" the bully brain upon reading the Chimp Paradox Steve Peters again and re visiting meta cognition and some neuroscience acknowledge that fear is a chess piece and we all feel it but we are in control we are the chess board ! if we can engage more of the "professor brain" and indeed model this behaviour for our off spring perhaps we can go someway to "quietening " the primeval chimp brain or at the very least recognise and acknowledge it but keep it in check ! This job is always work in progress its a lifelong journey and I'm always working on Masterpiece to coin the words of Katy Perry Hey my children are my Masterpieces ! x

10/1/2018 03:27:32 pm

Ohh this is very resonant. This hits home with me as my youngest child has just turned 15 and my eldest has gone off to University and my middle just been accepted for a place so am in a real place of flux. I seem to be shifting my parenting from a model of keeping them physically safe to now fretting about them at a distance. It is painful, not seeing my eldest every day feels like a mini bereavement. I've cried a lot. I feel a bit helpless at the moment. I thought over Christmas this is the only time I have felt relaxed since October because they were all under my roof and I could physically feel them close to me. So my mothering has had a jolt- a physical distance that has opened up a whole new concept of fear, fear that I cannot seem to make sense of because it is out of my control. But on the flipside he has adapted remarkably well, I would say there is swagger in his step as he looking after himself and navigating undergrad life well. He has not gone wild- and I know when I was 18 away from university I remember doing everything and it makes my hair curl thinking about what I put my poor mother through! Mind you she didn't know half of it. I think our children now seem to feel the need to tell their parents what they do but I certainly was brought up in more liberal times- I would use the phrase 'benevolent neglect'. I was left to my own devices and I try and replicate that for my children, but I hadn't realised the cost of that to the parent before now.

Sue

10/1/2018 06:04:45 pm

Well. I acknowledge your fear. Ever since the twin towers, when I was pregnant with my first child, I have thought, "What kind of world am I bringing my children into". I really was scared for them. At some point after then, I decided to avoid most news altogether as it was depressing and made me feel bad. I thought if more good news was broadcast, then maybe more people would do "good things". Recently, it has hit me that nothing ever stays the same (obvious you may think), but as a child, you do think that your immediate world is how it will always be. What our ancestors worried about for us, we took in our stride. It was normal for us. I think that is what it is like for our children. I think they just accept things and get on with it, while we worry! I think we have to accept that our children have a much better idea of how to survive in the new world than we do! We just need to let go and trust the natural process.

Liana Beattie

10/1/2018 08:39:53 pm

Indeed, modern life requires us to almost lose ourselves in a constant masquerade of different roles and responsibilities. Women as mothers no longer can remain a whole person and a more or less permanent reliable harbour for their children, as the former can only survive in a state of constant flux.

Wendy

11/1/2018 08:59:56 am

As an older mother of two and having 'let go' many years ago - I still remember the pain of releasing. My daughter only went 5 miles away but was very ill at the time and I felt that loss of being able to 'make things right' and to make decisions for her, to protect her. It is hard realising but I soon learnt you can't make their decisions for them. Seeing my son go off to Abu Dhabi with his family to work- I still cry about today although he returned two years ago! He took two of my grandchildren and I was heartbroken (I kept some of their clothes and sadly sniffed them, daily!) - but again I have always said my children can do what they want to do in life - but you do worry. I always remember my mum saying to me when I went off to London, to work for a gap year, how much she worried about me, but at 18 I did not understand that at all - I could look after myself - even though there were bombings in London at that time. I do reflect and worry about the future for my grandchildren, I worry when my daughter lets her walk 200 yards to be picked up from school!! Need to stop worrying...

Jane

11/1/2018 02:06:57 pm

I find I am watching the tv news less and less and editing how much I listen to it on the radio. The relentless bad news is - relentless. And not necessary.

Helen

11/1/2018 03:54:16 pm

I wonder whatever happened to good new Sunday, when news was kept to news with humo(u)r and positive events.

Donna

13/1/2018 03:35:22 pm

What will be will be! My child is young (under 10) and taking risks is part of growing up. I don't believe there are more risks now than when I was a child but certain risks are publicised more. So, I find I curb my fear and acknowledge that my child needs opportunity to assess risk for themselves and I will guide when I can. I worry that they are stressed but then when I notice this, I try to allow them to be a child a play freely without my (and school's) imposed structures.

I often however feel overwhelmed by my own expectations of having to be a 'good, responsible mum'. What I feel is a good responsible mum may be considered a little too liberal for others. Yet, I can only trust that all will be well, and if not, then we deal with it when and if it comes along.

Liana Beattie

17/1/2018 08:06:40 pm

The one important aspect of mothering that gives me most joy is the realisation that my daughter is a better person than myself.

Liana Beattie

26/1/2018 09:42:24 pm

Motherhood is one of the most precious gifts, so yes - mothering is intensive, and it is ok! From the standpoint of the modernity and modern ideology, I think the fact that motherhood is seen as a job is a product of capitalism. In the USSR the maternity leave lasted 3 years, allowing mothers to enjoy motherhood and not just get through it. Yes, mothers need to put children first, and yes- mothers need to be child-centred, because it is the purpose and the pleasure of motherhood.

The Fear....

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